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Nonsense of The Month award goes to Tom Harper of the Sunday Times.

Ab_N is pleased to announce that the Nonsense of The Month award goes to Tom Harper of the Sunday Times. Mr Harper's article, published in the print version of the Murdoch owned Sunday Times news paper, claimed, based on absolutely no evidence, that UK government agencies had to take extreme precautions as Russia and China had access to the full unencrypted archive of files taken from the NSA by Edward Snowden. Ars were the first to point out the lack of rigour, fact checking or any information whatsoever in the article. Therefore we at Ab_N see this article as a brilliant example to all of how to write and publish complete and utter rubbish and truly consider this to fully deserve our award. Well done Tom Harper, and well done the Sunday Times editors!

Nonsense of The Month award goes to Tom Harper of the Sunday Times.

"Clueless dickhead"

Absolute Nonsense would like to make more people aware that truly inspired codswallop like this is unexpected from the press, so it is sometimes not so easy to determine if an article is actually written in jest. Missing the obvious joke, one reddit commentator called Mr Harper a clueless dickhead, before later removing their slur after seeing Tom Harper defend his article on CNN, where Mr Harper had the audience in stitches with his “I don't know” reply to every question, along with his “deer caught in the headlights” facial expression.

The Nonsence of the Month award is awarded by Absolute Nonsense on a monthly basis for considerable effort in the proliferation of nonsense, be it in the form of ridiculous claims, spurious information, ill-informed opinion or just generally as completely made up loads of bollocks. Ab_N awards the coveted title to organisations or individuals striving to expound nonsense in their usual daily work, which is often serious and straight laced.

Chris M, 20-June-2015, News

Introducing the Russell Brand inspired vote picker.

Click here to take the quiz.

Edit: The Russell brand quiz was created specifically for the 2015 UK General Election, and is therefore now out of date. However, there is good news, as the Russell Brand inspired vote quiz is available as an application, which can be downloaded directly into your brain!

Whenever you want to vote, all you have to do is open the application in your brain, and no matter the inputs, or the potential consequences, you simply don't vote.

What impact does playing Fifa have on human emotion?

A recent study of the causes of human anger has found that the single biggest contributor is if they have just conceded a goal on an online game of Fifa.

Researchers at the CIA (the Centre for Identifying Anger) concluded that factors such as rudeness, tiredness, hunger, banging ones head on an open cupboard door, the toilet seat being left up/down, getting sauce on clean clothes, terrible drivers and cocaine are far less important than recently being beaten by a 90th minute goal on Fifa.

Professor Fergie Time stated “People who concede a goal on Fifa are angry regardless of social standing, it puts them in a fit of rage whether they are extremely rich and happy, or had to sell their sisters shoes to buy the game.”

"It really fucking riles them up!”

What causes anger?

28 year old Fifa enthusiast Roger Toms (a pseudonym) claims “I want to murder the cunt that scores, I want to gauge out their eyes and urinate in the now empty sockets. After all, they deserve it.”

When asked after smashing his 3rd controller of the interview whether he thought Fifa had anything to do with his anger, he responded by punching the interviewer in the throat.

Professor Time said “The anger is most intense in the few seconds after conceding, and it depletes quickly. So, if you want a more sustained source of anger, it’s best to let in a few goals in quick succession, that way you’ll be unbelievably splenetic.”

31 year old Peter Jones explained “I recently found out my wife of 7 years had been sleeping with my layabout brother – I wanted to kill them both, I was livid. However, to be honest, it’s not up there with losing a cup final when the ref gives a bullshit penalty in added time. I’ve never wanted to set a 12 year old and his entire family on fire more, than at these times.” “I go off in a right huff.”

Jimmy W, 29-April-2015, Screen

Is Game of Thrones just a pun about going to the toilet?

George R R Martin recently revealed that he was inspired to write A Game of Thrones, the first novel of his series, after having a difficult few months with public toilets in Europe. "We have all been there." Exclaimed Mr R R R Martin, at a book reading in Chicago. "You really need the toilet but you know by going to public conveniences you run a lot of risks. One major risk of public toilets is simply the lack of them, and another is the worry that when you do find one, it will be one of those impractical hole in the ground ones that they have in France. To compound that, far too many times in my life, have I visited the little boys room, only to discover that there is no toilet paper. This is really the focus of my first novel, A Game of Thrones."

"The king was made so grumpy by his toilet that he started wars for no reason."

Is Game of Thrones just a pun about going to the toilet?

Mr R R R R Martin explains that originally A Game of Thrones started out as a short story about a king with a very uncomfortable toilet. "He [the king] was made so grumpy by it [his toilet] that he started wars for no reason. It was very funny, if I do say so myself."

"Of course, as time went on, it got longer and more convoluted, but I always tried to remain true to my original story.""

Critics have pointed out that the meaning is clearly obvious, and is even more so in the television series, stating that the Iron Throne is a "dead giveaway" and the title of the televised series, Game of Thrones, is undeniably a pun. However, with so many viewers oblivious to this, the writers were forced to scrap some of the subtlety.

Spoiler alert!

"When you make something as popular as I have, at some point you are bound to have your work misinterpreted. It just goes hand in hand with a large following. [...] This is why I wrote the scene where Tyrion catches his father using the lavatory. This scene is probably the best I have written, and whilst very comical, it serves as a nod to those who understand what Game of Thrones is about and as a bit of a nudge to those who have not quite got it yet."

"The Lord of Light is meant to be interpreted as an automatic toilet fixture that turns off after five minutes."

This revelation, however, has provoked anger from some fans, especially those who have invested the most time in the series. James, from York, comments "I have spent months reading and rereading the books whilst watching each series and noting the divergent plot lines. I record all of this in my blog. Now I hear it's just some bloody toilet related pun. All of my research into Jon Snow's ancestry is completely wasted. I mean, who will take me seriously when the Lord of Light is meant to be interpreted as an automatic toilet fixture that turns off after five minutes, leaving you sat pooing in the dark. If my wife didn't think I was stupid when I originally created my blog, she certainly will now! I suppose it's a good job she left me."

Bill K, 19-April-2015, Screen

13 reasons why posting one of these "x reasons/ways you know you are from/part-of/have-a ..." links, is annoying for everyone you know and makes you look like a dick.
13 reasons why posting one of these “X reasons/ways you know you are from/part-of/have-a ... ” is annoying for everyone you know, and makes you look like a dick.
  1. If you need actual reasons you are too far gone.
  2. See above.
  3. See above.
  4. See above.
  5. See above.
  6. See above.
  7. See above.
  8. See above.
  9. See above.
  10. See above.
  11. See above.
  12. See above.
  13. See above.

Phil T, 30-March-2015, Sur-la-vie

Introducing

Welcome to AbsoluteNonsense.co.uk an entire website dedicated to nothing but nonsense. This site is very clearly not ready. It is what you might call "up and coming." Though it is not so much up as it is awoken early by a premature alarm clock and slowly coming to terms with the idea that, despite the hangover, it is a school day.

Do not let this put you off though, there may be almost zero content, but, well...

Scott J, 15-March-2015, Introducing